Nothing is Permanently Attached: All or Nothing
by BlackWingedAngel-Lucifer
Summary: Forbidden relationships, deep thoughts of the past. Was it ever worth it, is anything worth it now? Selfishness, Jealousy, Tragic ending, resulting death die to harsh suicide. Everyone loses touch with one another. Everything is over. . . All or Nothing.


Gravitation

Title: Nothing is Permanently Attached: All or Nothing

Summary: Forbidden relationships, deep thoughts of the past. Was it ever worth it, is anything worth it now? Selfishness, Jealousy, Tragic ending, resulting death die to harsh suicide. Everyone loses touch with one another. Everything is over. . . All or Nothing. . . Nothing is Permanently Attached after all. . .

Disclaimer: This plot is mine yesh, but gravi itself is not. . . What a cruel fate!

Note: _Things written like this are memories, flashbacks, stressed thoughts, dreams etc._ **Things written like this are poems or songs.**

Normal POV

**I know when he's been on your mind  
That distant look is in your eyes**

It's true that he told Yuki time and time again that there was nothing between him and Ryuuichi. That one kiss they shared was meaningless to him. Sure, Ryuuichi is a God in Shuuichi's eyes and he's obsessed, but, he loved Yuki.

Or atleast, that's what he told Yuki to reassure him. . .

**I thought with time you'd realize it's over, over  
It's not the way I choose to live**

After a while though, Shuuichi couldn't take it anymore. Yuki was making an effort to be kind to him and change his ways. But, Shuuichi knew that Ryuuichi would treat him better, the way he was supposed to be treated. He knew that Ryuuichi would never treat him like crap. Even if Yuki did change, it's not easy for Shuuichi to forget all the pain Yuki put him through to get there, he can't forget all the trouble and obstacles he faced and how embarrassed he was. In the end, Shuuichi couldn't live that way and thought it was no longer worth waiting for Yuki.

In the end, it'll all be the same. . .

**And something somewhere's gotta give  
As sharing in this relationship gets older, older**

That first kiss he had ever received from Ryuuichi was different in so many ways. The silky touch of Ryuuichi's soft lips against his, the hotness of their breaths mingling, the taste of his mouth, and gazing into his eyes slightly and guiltily before shoving him off because he was still with Yuki, ahh, he was in heaven. Maybe it was because Ryuuichi was a God, the number one singer, his idol since he could remember. . . Or maybe it was because Ryuuichi was gentle, and not so demanding except that one time, it was loving, unlike Yuki's kisses.

It's not like Shuuichi wanted this to happen. But, he was sick and tired of the daily routine he went through in his and Yuki's relationship. Besides, it's not like Yuki hasn't gone out and made out with other women while he had Shuuichi and possibly even done more. So, it's only fair that Shuuichi could do the same.

Sweet revenge. . . Right?

**You know I'd fight for you but how could I fight someone who isn't even there  
I've had the rest of you now I want the best of you I don't care if that's not fair**

The whole time, all Shuuichi's ever done was love Yuki. He defended him countless times and protected his name. Sure, he annoyed him from time to time but not a big deal to break up with him over. He just wanted to be close to Yuki and be there for him when he needed someone's shoulder to cry on. Was that asking so much?

But Yuki, he's never once even said 'I love you.' Instead of defending Shuuichi, he let him get hurt and agreed with many bad things people say about him and said some pretty mean things to Shuuichi himself. He was always there for Shuuichi _after_ it was too late.

So, Shuuichi gave up. He's had enough of Yuki's bad side. He didn't want anything to do with that cold-hearted romance novelist. I mean really, for a romance novelist, don't you think one would be more in tune with love? Instead of being so cold and distant?

Shuuichi had thought that if Yuki would change, it would be worth it and he wouldn't care for anything else, he'd forget the past. But of course, he was asking too much and being selfish. At that point though, he didn't care.

But now. . .

**Cuz I want it all  
Or nothing at all**

That's right. . . He was being selfish from the beginning. Asking for the impossible from Yuki. He wanted all his love, otherwise, he didn't think he could live on. So, he forced Yuki into a relationship with him. _'My, how foolish. And in the end, I got hurt from my own decision and blamed it all on Yuki.'_ Shuuichi smiled to himself at that last thought.

**There's nowhere left to fall  
When you reach the bottom it's now or never**

Ever since Yuki agreed to be Shuuichi's lover, he had to admit, he put him through hell and felt like he was going through hell himself. Maybe if he was nicer to Shuuichi, none of them would've to suffer. Ever since they've been together, with each passing day, Yuki found himself relying on Shuuichi more and more. He was beginning to feel as if one day Shuuichi would leave him and not come back this time, Yuki would be lost. Shuuichi was always there for him. He was the most stubborn when it came to helping Yuki. Worse then Tohma, which Yuki didn't think was possible until he met Shuuichi.

Yea, he _knew_, that if Shuuichi left him, he'd have no where left to run, no one to escape to. Yet, he took it all for granted. His mistake. . .

**Is it all  
Or are we just friends**

Shuuichi always wondered if Yuki really loved him, but as much as he wanted to hear Yuki say it, he thought he didn't have to hear it because he knew deep down inside Yuki did love him, regardless of what he may say or how he may act at times. But after a while, Shuuichi was starting to believe Yuki really hated him, but then again, who wouldn't think that?

Sometimes, when Shuuichi annoyed him, Yuki knew he'd said some many harsh things and didn't have to take it so far but he couldn't help it. Sometimes he wasn't sure if he was saying it because he really hated Shuuichi. He wasn't sure of his feelings and at that time, he was still suffering from the memory of Kitazawa. He regretted it. All of it. Everything he did or said to Shuuichi that may have hurt him, regretted rushing into a relationship with Shuuichi when he was unsure of his feelings. Hiro was right, he should've ended it before it went too far. He should have never gotten with Shuuichi if he'd only end up hurting him.

Yuki regretted taking advantage of Shuuichi and now realizes how much he needed him and how much he really did love him in the end. . .

**Is this how it ends  
With a simple telephone call  
You leave me here with nothing at all**

"Moshi moshi. . ." Shuuichi answered his cell phone in his usual hyper tone.

"Shuuichi. . ." Yuki paused.

"Oi, Yuki? It's unlike you to call."

"Shuuichiiii, get off the phone. It can't be someone that important that you have to stop playing with me. Come on! Or Kumagoro will cry too." Yuki could hear the hyper active Shuuichi clone in the background that was Ryuuichi.

"Oh, you're with him again. . ." Yuki sounded disappointed, hurt.

"Uhm, yea, well you see, work ended early, so Ryu-chan asked me to play with him." Shuuichi laughed.

"Shu-chan, you don't have to lie to him. Just tell him already. He's not good enough for you anymore. I treat you better, you belong to me now." Ryuuichi said, in his serious mode.

Yuki was speechless.

"Yuki. . . I was going to tell you sooner, but. . . I'm sorry. . . It's over between us. Ryuuichi is nicer to me, and I think I deserve a better relationship then the one we share. I deserve to be treated like a human being. . . If you're home, you're probably calling because a lot of things are missing. Well, earlier, Ryu-chan came by and got all of my things and so, I'll be living with him now. . . It's sudden but. . . Well, I'm sure you're happy. I'm finally out of your hair, right? You got rid of me." Shuuichi said quite awkwardly and laughed it off in the end.

"I see. . ." Was all Yuki could manage. He didn't trust himself to speak, in case he'd start crying.

"Well, then, I guess this is good bye. . . It was fun, Yuki. . ."

CRASH

"Oi, Ryu-chan, don't suddenly glomp me like that-"

_Beep Beep Beep_

Shuuichi had hung up without waiting for the slightest reply from Yuki.

It's what he wanted right? So then, why wasn't he happy?

**There are times it seems to me  
I'm sharing you with memories**

In the beginning, when Shuuichi had first began to date Ryuuichi secretly, he couldn't get Yuki off his mind. Was it guilt? He knew it was best for him, even if he still had feelings for Yuki. But, his love was nothing to Yuki, so it wouldn't matter if he'd dated Ryuuichi.

Besides, most of the time, Yuki would leave him alone or say something mean or kick him out of the house and Shuuichi would rely on the very few happy times they'd spent together to keep him from crying and to keep him from hating Yuki.

Of course, now, all he could think of were the bad times. In the end, there were very few moments they spent together and the majority were all bad. After all, it had always been memories keeping Shuuichi company and at the same time, hurting him.

----------

Yuki desperately tried to find something Shuuichi could have forgotten behind. Of course, if he had forgotten it, it probably wasn't that important. But, Yuki needed an excuse to go up to him and talk to him.

Unfortunately, all Yuki could find were past gifts he had given to Shuuichi, or souvenirs from their dates. It was pretty obvious Shuuichi wanted nothing to do with Yuki anymore and wanted to forget him.

Yuki on the other hand, didn't want to forget Shuuichi. He didn't want things to end this way. Or rather, he didn't want it to end at all.

Yuki grabbed a beer from the refrigerator and sat down on the couch. He threw his head back and saw the lighter with the picture of him and Shuuichi on their fist date. Tears welled up in his eyes as he remembered their first date and how happy they were.

Good times. . . Gone bad. . .

**I feel it in my heart but I don't show it, show it**

He knew he should've shown Shuuichi how much he loved him. Would it really have killed him to say those three simple words? He regretted not doing so before it was too late. He believed that no matter what, Shuuichi would remain by his side and always love him.

Oh, how wrong he was . . .

**Then there's times you look at me  
As though I'm all that you could see**

Ryuuichi always looked at him this way and no one else. He should have realized sooner, then he would have been happy sooner. To Ryuuichi, Shuuichi was the only lover in his life.

However, Yuki could never look at him this way. That look was meant for Kitazawa and Kitazawa alone. But, if he were lucky, there would be those rare occasions where Yuki would look at him that way. Although he felt really happy at those times, he also felt a deep pit of sadness wash over him at the same time. He thought, maybe he looked at him that way because he saw Kitazawa, or, he'd never look at me that way again, or maybe he's just doing it out of pity.

Something like that. . .

**Those times I don't believe it's right I know it, know it**

He should have given Yuki more credit. It wasn't fair to him. It's his fault that things turned out this way and Yuki treated him the way he did. He shouldn't have annoyed him so much. He shouldn't have forced Yuki into the relationship without giving it some time. If he had waited, then they both wouldn't have to suffer so, they wouldn't have ended up hurt in the end.

Of course, Yuki had looked that way at Shuuichi for those reasons sometimes, but felt guilty for it. He was just running away. But even so, it was no excuse. At other times, he really did look at him that way out of love. He looked at him saying thank you for being there for me, and I appreciate it, or I'm happy you're still here with me.

But now, it didn't matter anymore. . .

**Don't make me promises baby you never did know how to keep them well  
I had the rest of you now I want the best of you it's time to show and tell**

Ryuuichi had always kept his promises. Ryuuichi always helped Shuuichi when he made one. He does everything for Shuuichi and Shuuichi does the same.

With Yuki, on the rare occasion he'd make a promise, he'd either forget, pretend not to remember, or say he doesn't feel like it. Either way, he'd end up breaking his promises. So in the end, Shuuichi stopped making Yuki make him any promises because it would only result in a fight.

Not Surprised. . .

**Cuz I want it all  
Or nothing at all**

Even though he doesn't deserve to be with Shuuichi after what he's put him through, he still wants to be with Shuuichi. He still loves him. He doesn't want Shuuichi to belong to someone else, especially not Ryuuichi. The thought of it hurts him bad enough, but for it to actually be true?

If he can't be with Shuuichi, he'd rather forget him and everything they've been through. But, then he'd go back to being a cold-hearted bastard and Shuuichi's attempts would've been futile. But it would erase his pain. He wouldn't suffer with these memories. Yet, at the same time, he's happy to have met Shuuichi or else he never would've known true happiness. He'd never know true love. A life without knowing Shuuichi and being meaningless because he'd live as a zombie but good as long as he won't suffer over a life knowing Shuuichi but suffering the pain of losing him because of his own stupidity?

He couldn't decide which he'd rather have. . .

**There's nowhere left to fall  
When you reach the bottom it's now or never  
Is it all  
Or are we just friends  
Is this how it ends  
With a simple telephone call  
You leave me here with nothing at all**

Either way, Yuki would end up suffering in the end. If they hadn't met, his life would be meaningless and he'd be miserable, and the way things turned out with Shuuichi in his life, he's still depressed. But, he's thankful to have met Shuuichi. He gave him a place to feel safe, he gave him love, he was there for him. It was true love, it just didn't make itself clear until it was too late. . .

Thinking back on that last phone call, when had they started calling eachother by nicknames? Yuki felt a little jealous, left out. If he could go back in time and call Shuuichi, Shu-chan just once and see him blush. . . But then Shuuichi would probably get him back by calling him Yu-chan. Yuki laughed at that thought.

Even if things couldn't go back to normal, and he couldn't be Shuuichi's lover again, he didn't want Shuuichi to completely throw him out of his life ad he didn't want Shuuichi out of his life now either.

At least, they could still be friends. . .

**Cuz you and I  
Could lose it all if you've got no more room  
No more inside for me in your life**

Yea, friends. . .

Being friends was better than nothing at all, right?

They were lovers in the past, and they know that it was worth it while it lasted.

Forgive and forget. . .

Yea, Yuki couldn't think of a life without him. Of course, even if they were friends in the end, things would never be the same.

He still wouldn't hear Shuuichi say, "I love you," or be able to kiss him, embrace him the way a lover should, wait for him to come home from work and have dinner together, or cuddle with him, he wouldn't be looked at in that loving way or hear him talk cutely like.

No, that was all for Ryuuich now. . .

**Cuz I want it all  
Or Nothing at all  
There's nowhere left to fall  
It's now or never**

Maybe, he was being selfish. Well, that wasn't new. But, he wanted something. Honestly, he wanted it all, but he obviously can't get it so something, even a bit, friendship is better than nothing at all. He had to settle things between them before Shuuichi took off for New York and he'd never be able to speak to him again.

Yea, that's right, Shuuichi was moving to New York to leave his past in Japan behind and take the U.S. by storm. He was going to hang with XMR for a bit as Ryuuichi continued his acting career in New York as well. Of course, Shuuichi's band was coming along as well.

_He needed a change, a break from it all, this time it was Yuki's turn to be selfish and Shuuichi's turn to run away. . ._

**Is it all  
Or Nothing at all  
When you reach the bottom it's now or never  
Is it all  
Or are we just friends  
Is this how it ends  
With a simple telephone call  
You leave me here with nothing at all  
There's nowhere left to fall**

Unfortunately for Yuki, he never did get a chance to talk to Shuuichi. It was so sudden, everything seemed to happen in a flash.

_Blur. . ._

The whole time, no one knew, not even Ryuuichi.

_How unfortunate. . ._

_Jealousy. . ._

In the end, Shuuichi was not strong enough. He couldn't take anymore than what he's already been through up until now.

And on that particular day, the day he and Ryuuichi would be leaving for New York, Yuki showed up at the airport and spotted Ryuuichi. Neither said a word as they just glared at eachother.

_Yuki's phone rings. . . Ryuuichi's follows shortly afterwards. . ._

"Shuuichi, you're late, the plane's going to leave. Hurry up . . ." Ryuuichi trailed off as he realized that Shuuichi wasn't talking and that Yuki was connected to their conversation.

_Few moments of silence. . ._

It was Shuuichi's emotionless yet sharp voice that cut through the awkwardness that was eerie silence. "It's all my fault. Everything. But it's over now. All of it. There's no need for any more suffering. That's why. . ." He trailed off.

A harsh wind could be heard and a few banging sounds came from the background, followed by screaming. Both Yuki and Ryuuichi panicked but waited patiently for Shuuichi to continue.

"I'm sorry. Don't come for me. . ." Shuuichi finished, pained. The first and last sign of emotion before he hung up the phone. Ryuuichi gasped in surprise and Yuki's eyebrow's furrowed.

They both panicked but after hanging up, Ryuuichi realized that the call was from the apartment they had been sharing until now and immediately he and Yuki went straight there.

Arriving at the apartment, they searched the house of any signs of Shuuichi. It was cold as the windows were wide open and all the lights were out and it was empty, save for a few black feathers leading to a dark figure sitting on a cardboard box in the dark of the hallway right before the bathroom.

The figure opened his eyes as it gleamed in the darkness and whispered eerily the few simple words, 'You're too late.'

"What!?" Both Yuki and Ryuuichi screamed in unison.

"_I_ couldn't even get to him in time. Even though I was right outside, I could not get into the apartment and bust open the bathroom door in time. He's gone. . ." Tohma trailed off.

Yuki swallowed hard as Ryuuichi stood helplessly with his mouth agape. Did they even want to see what was behind door number one? Of course, it was bad if Tohma had bothered to stay to tell them what he did, to sit protectively in front of that door, hiding its secrets from its viewers, guarding them from the pain and despair, the regret and sorrow it held.

"I'll leave that decision up to you, but you've been warned." And as if on note, Tohma walked passed the two and they immediately went inside and witnessed the worst of all nightmares. Never again would they be able to sleep peacefully. . .

They'd seen something they shouldn't have. . .

They were better off not knowing. . .

----------

Afterwards, everyone involved even the slightest way, stopped talking to one another. Hiro and Fujisaki broke up the band because it simply could not continue without Shuuichi and so, lost all ties with Tohma.

Ayaka broke up with Hiro in an attempt to win Yuki over but it was futile as he had his heart set on Shuuichi even though it was impossible now.

Tatsuha never appeared before Ryuuichi again, out of jealousy and hadn't talked to Yuki much since he chose to stay with his father in Kyoto.

Yuki had become a zombie afterwards. Not eating, drinking, stayed in bed all day and spoke to no one. He just wasted his life away. If he had done anything, he would have become that cold-hearted bastard and put everything to waste.

And Shuuichi? Well Shuuichi ended everything with a simple phone call and ending his life. He was always weak but no one expected him to be so depressed and pull a tragic way of death. It just didn't suit him, hell, no one even expected someone as hyper and giggly as him to even commit suicide.

But, the image he left everyone with, was one unforgettable.

In the blood soaked bathroom, behind a strawberry decorated curtain, in a tub full of watered blood, lay Shuuichi's lifeless, bloodless, wounded body, soul and heart in a pool of his blood and agony. Yet, he looked peaceful, he was free after all. As it was a painful sight, it was also beautiful, to see the red flowers blossom from his silky smooth skin and scatter around him like rose petals, melting away and dying.

Of course, his dying wish was futile as he had hoped his dying would bring everyone together again since he was the cause of breaking everything apart, instead only resulted in pulling everyone further away.

From this, he learned that Nothing is Permanently Attached. Love makes people do crazy things and although love and gravity brings people together, it cannot keep them together. Everything's got to break away at some point, living things will wither and die away eventually, and solids will decay after a while.

As fate would have it, in the end, It's All or Nothing. . .

A/N: Inspired by the song, All or Nothing by O-Town after watching a Loveless AMV on youtube. Also, it was a bit inspired by my emotions and what's been going on these past two weeks. Well, part of it is based on what I've went through lately. Not the death part but the part about Shuuichi secretly dating Ryuuichi. . . Yea, just so happens, my two best friends broke up because of that and well yea. . . It's sad, and I guess this is a way of relieving the troubles for now, I hope unlike this story, we can all be friends in the end. . . Anyway, enough rambling. Hope you enjoyed, please review!


End file.
